DO NOT DISTURB

I went to the onsen - (hot spring) last night in hope of some peace and quiet, but that's not what I found.
The nearest onsen to me is two towns away, but well worth the twenty minute drive. Despite being quite busy I still find it very peaceful. Especially when it's snowing or raining, there's really no better way to soak away the stress and aches. So I drove through the flurrying snow in search of some traditional relaxation.
I frequent this particular onsen a lot during winter, but this was the first time I'd seen it so busy. Onsens can be quite sociable places and that often means I'm fair-game for anyone wishing to practice their English (or my Japanese). So in hope of some peace I put on my best 'Do not disturb' face and headed straight for the rotenburo-(outside spa).
There were a half-dozen or so people already soaking in the steaming, therapeutic water. I eased in up to my neck placing my cold towel on my head. Stretching out as the snow gently landed in the water and on the bathers, a man addressed me. "Sensei blah blah blah blah blah blah". Clearly he was not reading my face. But not wanting to be rude I smiled at this friendly old man. I knew I'd never met him before. So I presumed he was guessing I'm a teacher.
"'I'm sorry, what?", I asked.
"Blah blah blah blah blah blah", he replied again. I couldn't understand a single word he was saying, which is poor even by my basic Japanese standards. I guess my blank look of confusion was clear even through the steam and snow because he said once more, with emphasis, "Blah blah blah blah kuni blah blah".
Ahh, kuni-(country), I caught a word, nice one! "Airurando" - (Ireland), I reply, "Kita Airurando" - (Northern Ireland), I elaborate seeing the look of comprehension on his face. Following this he turns to address the other members of our bath party, giving them an account of who I am, what I do, and where I come from.
Then more blah blah's as he turns back to me. I explain I can only speak a little Japanese so he tries harder. I'm warming to this old guy now. But still only picking out a word or two from his streaming, jovial conversation to me. Ah, now I'm understanding. He's seen me on TV. "What", I ask, "Me"?
"Yes", he replies "Uguisuzawa Junior High School ALT", he confirms. Well this was news to me. On TV? Me? God, I hope I wasn't having a bad hair day.
So now that my formal introduction to the other naked men has been completed he attempts to carry on our 'conversation'. "Blah blah blah, blah de blah blah blah".
"Uh-huh, uh-huh", I smile, dopely feigning understanding/interest. But there was no pulling the wool over this guys eyes. He kept checking me, like a good teacher "Understand? Understand?"
He's so friendly I can't carry on pretending. So I finally just say in Japanese that I can't understand a word he's saying, sorry.
During all this, two cool-looking young guys over on the other side where quietly practicing their English and egging each other on. But unable to get a word in with the jovial man jabbering away they were patiently waiting their turn to ask their, by now, well-rehearsed questions.
The elder of two took this moment to chirp up. "Me too", he calls across in Japanese. "I'm Japanese and I can't understand him. It's all inankaben - (country dialect)", he tells me. And not wasting his chance, "My name is Yuuji. What your name?". "Mark", I reply to which he, like all Japanese, instantly change to 'Ma-ku'. This all very much impressed his friend so it was high-fives and handshakes as the friend gave it his best shot too. We chatted briefly in terrible Japanese and English. They were both from Tokyo and big into martial arts.
Whilst talking to the Tokyo gangsters the friendly old man (my new best friend) said his farewells and was replaced by another even friendlier man accompanied by his two young daughters. The young girls shyly stared at me whilst the father started chatting. No need of an introduction this time, he got straight to business. Where are you from, where do you work, where he's from, where he work's, etc, etc. Again, genial and relaxed, I warmed to him right away, forgetting about my dire need to be left alone. This guy was much easier to understand and could speak some English. Working at the city hall he knew some of the people I knew and also the doctor at my towns little hospital. As the snow grew into a little blizzard his glasses steamed up. As he dipped his glasses into the onsen water his two young daughters looked from my face to his and back to mine again with big curious eyes. The Tokyo Gangsters said their (well-rehearsed) good-byes and wished me all the best. Then the, once again, steamy-spectacaled government worker tried getting his four and five year-old daughters to speak English. They weren't having any of it, but no longer shy they were happy to shout out their names and ages in Japanese.
Over an hour had passed already so it was time to say cheerio. Leaving the onsen I felt thouroughly warmed, but also knowing that I need to work on my 'Do not disturb' face.