JOURNEY FROM HELL

WARNING: Do not read if you have just eaten.

Day 0

Start with a couple of beers in my apartment whilst packing.A friend drives me an hour to the city.Overnight bus to Narita Airport in Tokyo.

Can't sleep.Suntory whisky keeps me sane.

Day 1

Collect tickets, check in, waste time.

Board Air India direct flight to Bangkok.

Discover Air India not only has the oldest and worst planes in the world, but also the oldest and worst flight attendants.

Too tired to read, too tired to write.Tiger beer keeps me sane.

Arrive in Bangkok, taxi to Town-in-Town.Roses and a bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label waiting for me.

Old friends are great.

-Journey intermission-

Drinking, dancing and having a good time

-Intermission over-

Day 2

So far everything great.Time to do something stupid.Drink Bangkok tap water.

Dinner with friends before overnight bus South.

Food is fine, but belly acting funny.

'I'm not hungry, let me lie down for a while.'

'OK, 30 minutes we leave.'

Lie down, stomach cramps, get up, stomach softens, walk swiftly but calmly to toilet.

Oh no!Tell Thai friend 'Stomach no good, need medicine, you go.'

Time for taxi to bus station. Don't want to leave bathroom.

Thai friends coming with me in taxi to say goodbye.

Meet other Thai friend in street. 'You get medicine?'

'Yes, I have.'

Oh no! 'Where is toilet?' Points to pharmacy.

No longer calm, ass cheeks clenched, march into pharmacy.

Oh no! No toilet paper. Don't care. At least I'm wearing boxers.

Stomach empties.

Leave pharmacy. Get in taxi.

----
Diarrhoea is not a taboo subject in Thailand.

----
Muscles clenched.Bangkok traffic.

Oh no! Be strong.

Get to bus station. 'Bus leave 5 minutes.'

Don't care. 'Where's toilet?'

1 baht price for toilet. Don't care, would pay 1000.

Oh yes! Have tissue.

'3 please.' Lady looks surprised. I could care less.

Other toliet users see madness in my eyes and move aside.

Free cubicle. Makes me so happy.

Stomach empties again.
'Bus go now.'

'OK bye'.

Hug. They feel my cold sweat. I feel fear and dread.

No backing out now. I can do this.

Feast on medicine. Sip water.Overnight journey begins.

Sit rigid for 3 hours. Thirsty, but don't risk water.

Stop for food. No thanks.Two more hours.

Everyone sleeping. I'm very awake.

Oh no! I feel something. Something different.

Toilet on bus. Thank Buddha!

No time to thank anyone.

Push man next to me out of way. Jump down stairs. Rip open toilet door. Spew masses of vomit all over toilet, walls, sink and seat.

Smile to myself at how great it feels to have an empty stomach.

Smile to myself at how smart it was to buy 3 packs of tissues.

Merrily start cleaning puke from tiny, hot bus toilet. Flush tissues down toilet.

Oh no! Wrong country. Tissues go in bin, not toilet.

Toilet makes angry noise. Toilet floods water, puke and tissues onto floor.

I make angry noise.

Clean toilet as best I can. Tissues all finished.

Exit, exhausted and sweaty. Sit down, pass out.

Day 3

Arrive Suratthani.

Motorcyle taxi to ticket office.

Still to early.Curl up, sleep on dirty sofa for 2 hours.

Wake up, other backpackers here.Everyone wants to go to Ko Tao.

Boat hasn't ran for four days.

Too rough. Oh no!

'Maybe boat go today'. At least as far as Ko Samui.

That's no good. Brother is in Ko Tao.

'We go'. I need ticket.

Ticket office tries to scam me.Same old scam.

I tell them 'You're not getting any of my money'.

Won't let me on truck going to harbour. Some Swedes help me out.

At harbour get ticket for real price. Get on boat with nice Swedes.

Still no food, no water.

On boat, man wants two dollars for Snickers bar.

I tell him 'You're not getting any of my money'.

This place has got worse.

Choppy crossing. Choppy isn't the word. Suicidal crossing.

Hours on the boat. I'm the only one below deck. Everyone is on deck puking. I've nothing to puke. Feeling lucky.

Two girls run below and grab life jackets.

Everyone is clinging to the rails on top and puking. Everyone is miserable.

A tough looking English guy asks me in a baby voice 'Are we nearly there?'

I'm in no mood to comfort him.

Oh no! My belly.Quick, more medicine. A little water.

Oh no! Where's the toliet.

Puke. Puke. Puke.I'm puking bile, water and medicine.

There's nothing left in me.

Rest.

Oh no! I'm dry wretching. Puking fresh bile.

I'm exhausted.The toilet is angry.

Powered by the movement of the boat it is in constant flush mode.

But the waves are too big. The toliet is angry.

Every time we crash into a wave the toilet vomits sea water up into the air. It's almost comical. Certainly ironic.

I puke and duck out of the way so as not to get sprayed. It works most of the time.

There's puke on my sweater, but only toilet salt water in my hair and on my face.

I wish I'd the energy to get my camera. I don't.

I stand doubled over. Nothing left to puke. But if I stand up straight I dry wretch.

The exhaustion and weakness makes me start to feel euphoric. I can see the humour in it all. I can see the revenge of a million toilets. Sick of people puking in them, this one pukes back. I am humbled and grateful. I'm grateful that I'm puking today and not diarrhoea. That would be awful.

We make it to Ko Samui.Girls are crying, men are pale.

The boat will go on to Ko Pha Ngan and then to Ko Tao. It takes three times the usual time.

It was hell. We made it.

Exhausted I say farewell to my puking pals, the Swedes.

Get a truck to the beach little brother is staying on. He checked out.

Girl at desk tells me he left for Ko Pha Ngan, another island.

I curse him.

He has a phone.

Check-in girl pities me and gives me her mobile phone. I love this angel.

Brother is still here. Different beach.

Try to get a truck. Man wants double the price.

It's only pennies and I'm weak. I should say yes.

But I can't.

I tell him 'You're not getting any of my money'.

Nice Irish mans gives me a ride on his motorbike. I love this angel.

See little brother. It's been a year and a half.

'Great to see ya bro! Where's the bed?'

I pass out.